Cut the Shit

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
FUCKING YAY!
I think it is possible that Halloween is my favorite holiday of all time. There are no pressures, no relatives to see, no presents to buy...just good old fashion candy, costumes, and scary movies! What could be any better than that??
Tonight, Rita, Kelly and I will be going to Jake's for drinks. There we will drink and laugh and talk and probably SCARE eachother. Cuz how can you have a Halloween with no scares? Following this, we will then move over to the Gin Mill where we will drink and laugh and talk and SCARE again! After this we will go home to watch Rocky Horror!
Memble yesterday how I said that Kelly had something up her sleeve as far as Rocky Horror was concerned?
Well!
Rita and I woke up this morning to see the Rocky DVD sitting on our kitchen table. This ADORABLE roommate of mine went out and bought the DVD for our house. I mean, really! Is she the fucking best or what???
I woke up this morning and had literal butterflies from being so excited. Am I serious?? It's just Halloween, but to me it's my birthday!
My 26th birthday.
Work has been a beast in typical Halloween style.
I have never met a group of students that are so damn needy. I just had a guy in here that I swear was dressed as a baby. At least that was how he was acting.
Then there is this other girl (Ari, it's Dina) that just told me that she was going to "Ladie's" night at a lesbo bar. Um! That is totally cool if she would just admit that she was a lesbian! But she will never. I even caught her looking at a girl's ass recently. I feel sorry for people that feel trapped inside their straight persona. Especially when the person is fucking amazing. As Dina is.
So I just smile and say, "Have fun!" when I know that deep down she will be having more fun than she will ever let on.
pth.
Last night I opened up my Bible and read me some verses. Haven't even cracked my Bible in years. The feeling I had when I started to read was so overwhelming that I physically and emotionally felt small miracles begin to work. I have been begging for months for God to talk to me. Then I go and open up my Bible and lo and behold...God talks to me. It was such a powerful experience for me that I felt like a MORON for not having opened it sooner.
I have ear marked the passage that I read and will be commenting on it in more detail this weekend. Sorry for those of you who hate Bible/God talk. It's just such a huge part of my life.
Wait until you read what I read.
This Saturday night, Rita is taking me to a party for Jane magazine. She got an invite in the mail and she is allowed to bring one person. That person is going to be me! I might even wear a tie.
Fun right?
si mama.
Paul has been so adorable lately. Every phone call he makes to me is filled with nothing, but understanding and support. So, today, to reward him for being so perfect, I ripped his face off with my acid tongue.
oops.
Why do I do that??
He even said: "Joe, why are you lashing out at me? Why can't we just have things stay good for awhile?"
I was so embarrassed that I then put on my fake voice and was like: "Well, you go and have yourself a Happy Halloween!" "Yeah! I love you too!" Yeah! I MISS YOU TOO!"
Man, I was so annoying.
I hung up with him, went and had a smoke and then called him back after I had returned to my desk.
He wasn't there.
So of COURSE now I feel like a raging douchebag. Why do I act like that? Why am I mean to him for no reason some times? Am I not comfortable with things going well? GAH! STOP IT JOE! STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
i thtopped it.
i better now.
HI RANDY!
What else?
My phone is STILL dead at my apartment. At this point, I have considered bringing home some heavy duty cans from work that I will connect by a very long, durable string. Kelly and Rita can take it with them when they go to work and I will keep the corresponding can at home. That way I can call them up and ask them to bring me home pizza sometimes.
I think it's a pretty good idea.
and I just love pizza.
Alright...have to jump on some projects that need to be done by 5pm.
Love me because I am beautiful.
Or hate me because I act like a lunatic sometimes.
Poor Paul. How does he possibly put up with me?

Went to the West End for lunch and ate me some spicy wings. They weren't too terrible. I did have the waitress bag them up so I could take them home and devour them fat ass style. Just couldn't allow myself to slobber all over the table.
Read the Village Voice and found some possible theater outlets. MMMMM...actually only found 2, but that is two more than before lunch. Again actually...one of them I already knew about, but the that still leaves me with 1 outlet!
YAY OUTLET!
What to watch on tv tonight. My choices are the following:
1) Predator 2. (wish it was the first one, but can't complain as there is not much to watch anyway)
2) The Bachelor (otherwise known as "The show of garbage")
3) Amazing Race 3
Most likely will watch the "Amazing Race" since it provides the least amount of mental commitment. 10pm is South Park and lately I have been loving it. 10:30pm, MTV debuts a new show about real life crimebusters.
What type of crimes you say?
Oh, well you know...the crime of cheating on your girlfriend. The cameras then follow this "evil-doer" and busts him on National Television.
Wow. Looks like I am going to be up really late tonight watching trash on tv. GO ME!
I got a wonderful email today from one of my readers.
Here is what it said:

"Hi Joe,
Did I see an answer to prayer in today's post? I hope you find a peace in the center that let's you make all the changes.
(Insert Reader's Name)
PS. I'm a pastor. But I read blogs after work. And I suppose that I read yours because you're the age of my sons and you write so darn well that even when you're in the depths of despair, you describe it well.
And I truly hope you find God faithful."

Beautiful, right?
I wish all of my readers could have such class and insight. I truly enjoy each email I get from this reader.
Thank you to (insert name here) from the bottom of my heart.
I will definitly hold onto my belief in God and Jesus. They are there for me whether I conciously realize it or not.
Rita said something very insightful the other night concerning the whole sprituatlity struggle I am having.
She said: "Praying to God is not like a genie in a bottle. You can't rub it and expect your prayers to be answered like wishes."
Well, that is mostly what she said, if not verbatim.
She is right. I expect God to pick up the phone and tell me exactly what to do. In the past I have had such strong responses from God that I almost feel as though he is a genie in a lamp. I need to realize that this is clearly not the way that this thing works.
If all else fails, I could probably start fasting for a couple of days. Delirium tends to bring on some major God induced clarity.
I will wait to see if my new ideas pan out or not before I go to that level.
Alright enough.
The wings in my stomach are starting to flutter.
Looks as though I will be going on a mini-vacation.
To the bathroom that is.
PEACE!

Joe Cut the Shit will be working at the GAP! Or Banana Republic. One of em. I hope!
I am now looking for a part-time job. Ugh. But it has to be done. I am going on my lunch break to drop off a few applications. I am not necessarily excited to be working retail, but at the same time, it gets me out of my house and that is a plus! Wish me luck! Hopefully I will get to wear a headset. Oh, that's Old Navy. But still! Maybe I can bring in my own headset and if customers ask me where this season's best cashmere is, I can fiddle with my headset, wince from the static that I am picking up, and then nod my head as I tell the customer that it is along the back wall. :-D
YAY!
WHAT FUN!
And I will get a discount and buy all my future clothes there.
And,
yeah. That's about it.
One more day to Halloween! I just love this holiday. No pressures to do anything too big. I never even dress up! In fact, I will probably wear a tie tomorrow and when people ask me who I am going as, I will say: "Myself, but handsome!"
Kelly, Rita and I are supposed to go out for drinks at either Jake's Dilemma or the Gin Mill. Two very great, very cheap, and very fun bars. They have Megatouch even! After we get soused...sick...I am never saying soused again. The way it echoed in my head was hideous!
After we consume a few libations, we will then go home to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Kelly and I watched it last year and we are thrilled to be welcoming Rita into our new tradition. Last year we ordered dinner from this restaurant that we love, called
La Locanda. Depending on how much money we spend this year on sousing, (hee), maybe we can splurge and order from their again. I always get the Margherita Pizza and Caesar Salad. Kelly gets the chicken paillard. Last year, she changed her order on the chef and he got angry and sent all of her food to our house piled on top of eachother. It was one giant lump. Kelly got angry, called the chef back and he re-sent her her dinner. He even put a spooky gravy on her mashed potatos!
SIKE!
Kelly wishes.
We then sat and sang along with the movie while shoving our faces. It was quite a fun evening.
Kelly looked earlier today and saw that it is showing on VH1 at 12am. UM! That is a little late for this Joe. She told me that she would figure it out, so I think she has something up her sleeve.
Either way, I am excited about the event.
A holiday with no stress.
Is there really such a thing?
Ari is out today at a funeral.
Please send her an email to let her know that you are thinking of her. My heart goes out to you P!
If I don't piss soon, my bladder is going to kill me spooky style.
Latas.

OH MY GOD! I AM GASPING IN HORROR AT THIS! <------ Click this!

I just stopped over to visit my friend Adam at Kansas City Dreaming
and saw that he had written about this girl named Karyn.
You are going to DIE when you see who "Karyn" is and what she is doing on her website.
I am SO jealous and also a little annoyed. Why didn't I think of this idea first?
You MUST go to Save Karyn.com
I am stunned!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Or some cliche as equally irritating.
I feel better today. I feel much better. I woke up and was ready to tackle the day. I felt like some of the weight that I have been needlessly carrying on my shoulders has finally lightened up a bit.
You see it all started with a house meeting about the move to Manhattan. I think Kelly, Rita, and I all felt a bit of nervous tension going into the meeting. We all want what we want out of the situation and I don't think that any of us thought that we would be able to compromise and still be happy.
Kelly immediatly said that the move to Manhattan was just as much an impossibility for her as it was for us.
Sigh of relief by Rita and Joe.
Kelly then said that she wanted to still move and as soon as possible. She wants to re-locate to Brooklyn. Rita and I had thought about it during the day yesterday. I decided that I thought it was a wonderful idea if only we could wait until after the New Year. Rita seemed to jive with this idea as well, although she did say that she wants to live in our apartment in Queens for the rest of her red-headed life.
SIKE!
But she don't mind staying for awhile longer.
After all of us said what we wanted out of the situation, we agreed that we would start feverishly looking for a new place come January 2nd. We would hopefully be able to give our landlord notice and be in our new apartment on or around 2/1/03. Pretty exciting! Brooklyn will be better for us. It will be filled with less Latinos and more gays!
I wish.
The places we are looking at will be filled with people of all shapes, colors, and sizes. It's pretty great! Also, we will be SO much closer to Mariah, which is a HUGE plus for me. AND the West and East Villages are right around the corner!
ROCK!
After this decision, the three of us sat around talking about other business. At one point, I just lost it and started crying. I explained that I have been feeling so horribly down these days and that I really feel like I am losing my grip. I talked about God, acting, my lack of happiness...
Both Rita and Kelly had such smart and intuitive advice. I listened to each of them with such intensity. I felt my life changing right before my eyes. Because, as they put it, it is up to me to change my life. To take more risks. To make it what I have always wanted it to be.
I was especially encouraged by what Kelly had to say. I tend to be very hard on her at times because she does things that I only wish I could do. She takes risks and as an actor AND human being, I need to be able to let go and do that.
Since I want my life changed so badly, why am I not extending myself and trying to achieve it?
It's time.
After Rita went to bed, Kelly and I stayed up a bit longer and discussed working together on this theater project she has been kicking around in her head.
In the past, when she has talked about it, I always dismissed doing anything with it for a number of reasons. After we dissected a few conversations that we have had in the last month or so, we both realized that maybe working together on this "piece" would be not only beneficial, but creatively exciting! I shared my feelings on the project and she seemed to like what I had to offer. Tonight, aside from working on some cover letters and monologues, I am going to read the play she has picked. I never thought that I would be so READY to get going on something. This is that SOMETHING that I needed.
I will report more on this at a later date, but for now, I am just excited to go home and read a new play. A play that I am going to help produce! Wow.
Was last night the night that changed my life?
I plan on also contacting my friend Mariah and asking her if she will give me voice lessons. Then I am going to research and join an acting class. These three endeavors combined with working my full-time job and potentially new part-time job could be the schedule I have been dying to have. It's time for Joe to stop sitting around feeling horrible. I have a course of action and I need to pursue it.
Maybe my prayers have been answered after all.
God...I hope so.
Just think...if I can start implementing this routine into my life AND I have Paul here with me...what else could I possibly lack?
I am sure I will think of something, but for now, I am just plain excited.
Thank you to Kelly and Rita for letting me release last night. I really needed it. I was about at the point of internal combustion.
I KNEW there was a reason why they are my best friends.

Just back from lunch.
What a miserable day it is outside. I have had a chill in my bones since I woke up this morning. Can't get rid of it for the life of me.
Having a house meeting with my roommates tonight to discuss the move to Manhattan. We have decided that we will NOT be moving onto the island, but Kelly still wants to try to find a place in Brooklyn. Should prove to be an interesting conversation tonight.
My house phone has been dead for a week. That will be the other issue we discuss. While the phone needs to be fixed asap, it has been VERY nice not having to listen to it ring every five seconds.
Tomorrow I am going part-time job hunting. Hoping to get a very respectable job at the Gap or Banana Republic.
Has my life really sunk this low?
Man.
Seems like I will never crawl out of this ridiculous money hungry, no creative outlet rut I have gotten myself into.
Once again I ask God...
Where are you?

This doll wants to get fucked

Just want this pit in my stomach to go away.

:(

The weekend is officially over.
Only when Paul comes to visit does the weekend fly by so incredibly fast. I mean, he got here last Wed. night and before I even had a chance to fully enjoy him, he was packing his shit to leave. Once he walked out the door, I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. My happy little world came crashing down on my broken little heart.
:(
This weekend was by far one of the best weekends we have ever had together. The only time we even SORT OF fought was on Thursday night when we were hanging out with Rita. Even that was over within minutes. During the rest of the time, we were a team. We were laughing and hugging and sitting in eachother's laps at every possible moment. I didn't want to spend one second away from him. I felt happier than I have in a long time. Comfortable and happy.
Man, having him leave fucking SUCKS!!!!!!
Friday night we went out to dinner. Saturday night we went to Mariah's show and it was BOMB! She was absolutely phenomenal. Her voice is like something from out of this world. After the show, Paul and I went to this incredibly expensive hotel for drinks. We hung with Mariah's family and friends from Boston and Albany. I met so many people and really had the time of my life. So many of the people there wanted to meet me and get to know me. I felt like I was actually SHMOOZING for the first time in two years.
I miss those days alot. I felt like I was a part of the Oswego Theater department again. :-D
I had shots bought for me. I had drinks handed to me one after another. I got hit on by one of Mariah's sisters' friends. THAT was hysterical. Man. It's hard to capture it all in here without going on and on...
It was a night I will never forget.
Paul and I went up to Mariah's hotel room at like 2:30am and smoked some bowls. I got WASTED and forced myself to puke in the bathroom. That was a definite highlight. Mariah has this friend Joanna, who I think is just about the tops! I spent at least 2 hours talking to only her at the end of the night. Sometimes you meet people who are so in tune with you, it's like destiny. Joanna will fit in WONDERFULLY with my friends. I am glad to have her on board.
Mariah made me immensely proud on Saturday night. I still get choked up thinking about it.
Or maybe I am just choked up cuz I miss Paul so deeply.
I don't know what it is. He has visited so many times before and I have never felt this deeply affected by the separation.
He is having a hard time finding a decent apartment in the city. I am nervous that it won't work out by 12/1. I NEED him here now.
For my sanity and our happiness.
I have never loved or been loved this hard by anyone in my entire life.
This kid is it.

YOU WILL LOVE THIS! Guess the song!

HOTT TUNE!

Just ate 2 hot dogs for lunch. BARF! They were good and all, but now my insides are doing somersaults. Joe Cut the Shit is about to really go cut the shit in the baffroom.
ouch.
Wanna hear something totally annoying?
...
...
well?
I am waiting...
...
...
fine, fuck you then, I will tell you anyway.
I went to this porn site last Friday and subscribed to 3 days free. They told me to cancel before the 72 hour period ended and I would not be charged. I cancelled my subscription within 48 hours, of course. I even sent them an email ensuring that I wouldn't be charged the $40 fee. I got an email back yesterday that said that I was all set. No fees would be given.
Today I go to the bank and check my statement at the ATM and wouldn't you know it, they fucking charged me anyway.
RAWR!
So I come back to work and I make the call to the home office of this porn site (btw, I do it right as I am sitting at my desk and in front of Rabbi's). I explain the situation and the representative is like: "We can't take the fee off because you didn't cancel it in time."
I say: "Oh yes I did, and I have the email to prove it and the site totally sucked anyway." I'm like: "The guys on it are nasty!"
He laughs and says: "Fine, I will credit your account."
HMPH!
SCORE ONE FOR JOE!
Paul asked me last night how I ended up getting such a big mouth.
"You weren't this bold when I met you", he said.
"NYC makes you a fucking asshole", I said.
"Bullshit. I will not be an asshole when I move here. You are just a crazy person", he said.
"(LOL) But Paul, you were already an asshole to begin with!", I said.
Paul glowers for a bit.
Then I say: "And you know what else...you have no idea how hard it is too live in this city."
He cockily laughs in my face as though I have no idea what I am talking about.
I punched him in the mouth and then went to look at some more porn.
sike.
I can't wait till he moves here. Every time he struggles with anything, I am going to say: "TOLD YOU SO!" and then pull out my dick and make him suck it.
:-D
Have a great weekend y'all, if I don't stop in here again.
MWAH!

I was just standing outside of UFM, smoking a cigarette with Rita, when the weirdest thing happened.
We were standing pretty close together, for warmth, I suppose, when this RANDOM old woman, looks me directly in the eye and walks over to stand RIGHT in front of us. But with her back turned to us. I mean, she was less than 12 inches from us and she just stood there.
Just stood there.
Seriously.
She just stood there for about 1 minute and then she walked away.
WHAT??
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
It was so WEIRD!
In other news...
check out this funny shit: Black People Love Us
HAHAHAHAHA!

Yesterday was quite the day, let me tell you. Ari took me over to the doctor's and I had a few things checked out. Got some more shots and spent two hours with people who are much sicker than me. :(
It was nice to be with Ari and to have her be with me for moral support. I think I may be finally getting better. Physically I mean. Emotionally I am still a basket case.
ha!
Last night at around 11:30pm, I was laying in my bed ALONE and thinking about how I was going to tell Paul that he had screwed up for the last time. I was really hurt that he didn't show up. I decided to have one more smoke before bed and when I was half way through it, I heard the doorbell ring. Kelly quickly went to get him and within minutes my boyfriend, looking fucking ADORABLE, came into my bedroom. I screamed: "YAY!". He burst out laughing and immediatly threw his bag down and jumped into bed with me. We laid there, me naked, him fully clothed for about an hour, just laughing and telling eachother about our week. He was so cute I couldn't stand it. Eventually I ate a burrito and he ate a can of baked beans. Yes, the room reaked of sweat and fart this morning. BLECH!
We went to bed around 2:30am and I held him for most of the night. Slept so well. Didn't wake up once. I felt so content being in bed with my boy. It just makes everything better, you know? Really can't wait for him to move here permanently on December 1st.
Tonight we are going to happy hour with Reets. Tomorrow it's back to the doctor and then apt. hunting. Paul is now going through 2 different brokers. The woman who is his boss at the internet company he works at in Boston, who also happens to be Mariah's old nannying boss, hooked him up with this amazing agent. She has places lined up for him. It is going to cost a bit of money, but they have it and need the help. I am really excited for him.
Tomorrow night we will probably go out to the bars. Kelly's good friend Ingrid has a show at this bar in the city. She will be performing 7 songs. It's quite exciting! Mariah has a show on Saturday night too. It is so weird for them both to have a show in the same weekend. Kelly invited Paul and I to go to Ingrid's show, but it looks as though we won't be going. Paul isn't too happy about spending the whole weekend watching people sing. The kid has no tolerance for artists. Unless it's me.
So this homeless guy on the subway this morning randomly struck up a conversation with this business man. The business man was reading a book called "Smart Squash" and the homeless man says "Is squash like tennis?" The business guy ignores him and then the homeless man goes: "SCUSE ME! SCUSSSSSSSSSE ME! IS SQUASH LIKE TENNIS???"
The business guy puts down the book and is very polite to homeless man. "Yes, it is like tennis, but it is much different, and in my opinion, much more difficult."
Homeless: "Do you win when you play?"
Business: "Not usually. Like I said, it is a very difficult game and I usually lose."
Homeless: "Your attitude sucks! To be a winner, you have to think like a winner! Look at me...(at this point, I open my eyes to look at him as well) I play to win. I never lose." (I smile to myself and think...oh really...)
Business: "Well yes. You must have the right attitude in everything you do. It is important to stay positive and to pursue new challenges. It changes you as a person and ultimately..."
Homeless: "Yeah man. YEAH MAN! LIKE IF YOU'RE A CRACK WHORE. THEN BE THE BEST CRACK WHORE IN THE BUSINESS!"
Business: "Um, not exactly. I think it might be two different..."
Homeless: "AND IF YOU ARE A BABY KILLER...BE THE BEST BABY KILLER OUT THERE!"
Business: "Wow. No, that is not what I was saying. I don't know if..."
Homeless: "WE GOT EACHOTHER BRO. WE GOT EACHOTHER! I KNOW WHERE YOU COMIN FROM. IN ALL YOU DO, DO IT WELL."
Business: "I, er...eeee...yikes, um...whoa."
Homeless: "DID Y'ALL HEAR THAT? THIS GUY AND I AGREE THAT IF YOU ARE A CRACK HEAD, JUST BE AN HONEST CRACK HEAD. THERE ARE CRACK HEAD ROBBERS AND CRACK HEAD NICE PEOPLE. BE A CRACK HEAD NICE PEOPLE!"
At this point we arrive at my subway stop and business man and I get off at the same time and I swear his face is so red and flushed. Everyone else on the train seems to be looking at business man and wondering why HE caused such a ruckus.
Poor guy.
He was just trying to learn some new tips about "Smart Squash".
Right now I am going to UFM to buy myself some bread and butter. Why am I craving that today? I am also so thirsty that I want to chug a lug at least 13 diet cokes.
Unfortunatly, every time I drink soda before 12pm, the housekeeper in my building somehow finds out and scolds me over and over.
"If tu' mamita was here, you would drink no soda! Only juice! Tu' mommy knows best. Let mommy get you someting good."
I always nod my head and say: "I know" and act all disappointed in myself. Then she goes and gets me juice. During the last two days, the juice she has given me has been so rank that I have gagged on the first sip. It has seriously gone bad.
When she isn't looking, I run to the sink and dump it, pretending as though I have slurped down every last foul sip.
Time for bread, smoke, and soda!
What a good day it is shofar.

WOO HAH!

MY BROTHER JUST CALLED!!!!!!!!
It was absolutely amazing to hear from him. He has been out in the field doing all these weird ARMY maneuvers for the past 4-5 weeks and it is impossible for him to ever get to the phone.
Imagine my surprise when I answered the phone just know to find out that he was able to call. We had a GREAT conversation and it just lifted my spirits to heights unknown. He is coming home for Christmas and I can't wait.
Do you think it's gay incest if I snuggle with him during his entire visit at home?
Yes.
Yes it is Joe.
But I just want to spend every possible second talking to him, laughing with him, hugging him, and loving him. He is my boy and I will always consider him to be my bestest friend on this earth.
You know, in that brother - brother type way. :-D
Man, I miss him so much.
He will be back to his apartment on November 6th. (big sigh)
I just got back to work having had lunch with my boss. While the lunches always go very well, I have to admit that I am happy that I don't have to go again for at least another couple of weeks.
I love how DORIS the asshole walks by my computer staring at what I am typing only to be totally busted by the rear view mirror I have on my computer. I can see what she is doing even when my back is turned.
Stupid ass.
YES DEBBIE! You are a STUPID ASS! Or are you reading this right now?
ARE YOU?
THEN KNOW THAT YOU ARE FUCKING UGLY!
DEBBIE YOU ARE UGLY!
Okay, she's gone now.
But really...if she is going to stare at my computer then fuck it if I am going to let her not think that I don't know about it.
You have rosacea you ugly ugly woman.
I hate u.
Okay WHOOO!
Sorry bout all that.
Just had to rip her face off while she was standing here.
Had 2 glasses of wine at lunch. My throat is still killing me, but drinking does make it better.
How does that happen?
Rita mentioned that maybe my sinus's are draining into my glands. I think she could be right.
I will have to check that out when I am alone tonight in my bedroom.
Don't ask how I will do it. Just understand that I WILL do it.
Okay, time to go write my friend Randy. It's been two days since he has heard from me and I need to send him a shout!
Latas...

I was just standing in the elevator by myself and I realized that if I pull up my pants as high as possible, I can give myself the most beautiful camel toe ever seen. It was quite exciting.
Will have to show Rita later.
So although I still feel like I want to kill baby bunnies, I am back at work and trying once again to get through the day with more style and grace than I did yesterday. I refuse to allow my journal to become some angry, bitter bitchfest. Yet, if that's how I am feeling every day, how can I possibly deny it?
For some reason, my right ankle has a problem today. It feels like I chipped a bone or something. Now, understanding that I have done minimal to no exercise in the last couple of days, so how is it possible for me to have chipped a bone? Maybe I did it on the subway? Maybe while I was shoving pizza into my face last night?
Hell. Maybe I did it while I jerked off last night. My masturbatory fantasy was based on circus acrobats, so that makes a bit of sense.
In about 2 hours I get to go have lunch with my boss. He forces this on me every couple of months and I am DUHREADING it. He is a nice guy and all and he will buy me lunch, but UGH!
I hate giving up my only hour of bliss during the day. Especially for anyone I work with.
Guess what?
I use pomeade in my hair now instead of gel.
My throat is still raging against my machine. It's fucking so annoying. Specially if it is something serious. I am super finished with this gladular problem I got goin. Please GO THE FUCK AWAY already!
Last night I was watching the show "Crank Yankers", which if you haven't seen, see! It's pretty fucking hilarious. Last night, there was a skit on there that was done by Sarah Silverman. If you don't know who Sarah Silverman is, then find out! She is BY FAR the funniest lady on the planet. She is raw, real, and so clever that I can't possibly sit and watch anything she does without uriniating all over my bedroom rug. Hence my need to go home and shampoo my carpet tonight. Everything about her is great. I hate comediannes as a general rule, but this girl...now this girl...yeah this girl!
Please familiarize yourself with her work.
Tonight is another episode of the shit Real World.
Maybe Steven will die tonight. On his tombstone it will read: "I fucked up MY LIFE."
God I hate him.
What else?
Already talked about my sore throat, my ankle, my sarah silverman, hmmmmmmmm................
Is it wrong that I want to go home and get blisteringly drunk tonight?
Um, did I just say "blisteringly" drunk?
You see, although I have the worst gladular pains possible, I feel otherwise great! Why should I not drink?
Oh gad.
Probably going to be another night of shoving my face with soup and sleeping.
gad.
This morning as I was leaving for work, Kelly informs me that at like 5:30am the police came with a warrant and tried to bust into our house. She said that they were pounding on her bedroom door (this door connects to the outside) and showed her a photo of the guy they were trying to arrest. After a bunch of hullabaloo and crazy antics, they ended up climbing through our kitchen window to get through to our backyard. The guy lives underneath us. (we live on the first floor. He lives in the basement.) Fucking what?
Kelly tells me that Rita woke up and the two of them sat and watched out the window like two crazy old women. How did I possibly sleep through all of this? I miss all the fun!
Oooh! One more thing...
If you live in NYC, this will affect you.
As you may or may not know, the MTA (Metropolitan Transit Authority) will be raising the subway/bus fare $.50. This means that each ride will now cost the commuter $2.00!
UM!
Outrageous! First it was the cigarettes. Now it's the metrocard. This city is going to kill us all.
or at least make us all poor and hungry, but with great calf muscles from walking everywhere.
If you think that this increase is completely ludicrous, please go to Straphangers and read more about it.
Also, please consider calling George Pataki himself at 212-681-4580 to voice your opinion.
In a Democratic society, such as we pretend to have, nothing will ever change unless we open up our mouths and demand it.
I will make my call today.
When will you make yours?
ouch. My throat hurts.
and my ankle too.
I am going to write it every five minutes just so none of you forget!
Baright.
Guess that is it for right now.
Paul should be here tomorrow night.
ROCK.
and
ROLL.

Sorry for being such a negative nancy.
I really don't feel well and I am taking it out on my journal so that I don't take it out on anyone else.
I think I am doing a damn good job of it as well.

Came into work feeling pretty ok. Now I am in a FURIOUS mood. How does that happen? Not that I am necessarily angry at anything or anyone in particular. I guess mostly I am just frustrated with myself. I fucking HATE my life. It never goes away. Every Monday morning reminds me that I am miserable in this city. I don't know. No need to dwell on it in here.
My throat has closed up shop. I could tell that I was getting the sore throat thing again on Friday night and sure enough, Saturday morning I woke up with the WORST throat ache this side of the Mississippi. I have been sucking on Halls, spraying chloroseptic, and basically just taking it really easy. NO AVAIL! It still hurts tremendously and it is definitly contributing to my bad attitude.
This weekend was basically suck filled. Second weekend in a row of suck.
Friday night was great. Hung with Mariah and she ended up staying over at my place. That was amazing. She is so much fun and we have a blast together no matter what we do.
Saturday and Sunday was filled with nothing. Just me feeling like trash.
Our phone is dead for some reason and since no one really cares about it, it will probably stay dead for a week. We think the cord might be the problem. I don't think it's our service.
Oh well.
Let it rot.
I have been doing so much research today as to what auditions are open to me in this city.
I have to admit, I am fucking frustrated out of my mind. I can't find anything that is an open call. Most of them you have to send your headshot/resume and hope to hear back from the group. I don't want to keep doing this. I WANT TO BE IN A FUCKING SHOW ALREADY!
Damnit.
Why is this SO hard?
I mean seriously!
I just want to audition. Just go to an audition, say a few lines, be told "That was fine" and go home. But where the FUCK do I find these auditions?
Tomorrow I will get the Villiage Voice. I will keep checking out my acting websites. Whatever.
Whatever I can do just to get my ass in to a role of some kind.
God I miss college.
I just want to act. It's a pretty simple thing.
FUCK!
Whatever.
Can't talk about this anymore.
Paul will be coming into town on Wed. I am pretty excited to see him. Actually I am THRILLED to see him. It has been so long. I am thinking that we will spend a good portion of his visit with him and I hanging by ourselves. I want all of the time he is here spent laying next to me in my bed. Maybe going out to a nice dinner. Or catching a movie. Or something. I need some Paul time. Seriously.
If I don't break this unlucky streak soon, I am probably going to take a knife to my chest.
Just feel so horribly down.
GOD!
The word HATE does very little to describe how fucking fed up I am with my station in life.

30 minutes until my weekend starts!
BOOOOOOOO WAH!
Tonight I think I am going to be hanging with Mariah. It's been 5 weeks since I have last seen her. UM! She lives in Brooklyn and I live in Queens. THAT'S the reason I haven't seen her. Ridiculous, huh?
We try to spend at least an hour or two a week on the phone, but not seeing eachother is just ridiculous. Her housemates refuse to ever take her out to the lesbo bars, so tonight I will meet her on the Upper East Side, we will have dinner, run some errands, and then attack the lesbian scene. Poor thing works all the time and is stuck going out "straight" every day of her life.
Tonight that changes!
Tell me one thing that is more unsatisfying than a can of soda that is flat the minute you crack it open?
So Edward has just written me an email. I quickly wrote him back. What is the deal with him? I haven't heard from him in months and I have really been wondering what his deal is.
Man, he is like this constant reminder of my past. The whole thing makes me feel weird inside.
He has the link to this journal so I can never be fully honest about what I am feeling about him.
I miss him. That's what I know.
I think about him alot.
Ah well...I gotta jet.
Time for pizza, naps, and then fun!
PEAYCE!

At 5pm yesterday, I walked out of my office building to find that Paul was NOT waiting for me. He was nowhere to be found. Rita and I got on the subway and went home. There I sat, drinking a beer and starting to get extremely worried. Why hadn't he called? Even once!?!?!
At around 7:30pm the phone rings and I answer it.
Paul says: "Hi."
I say: "Where have you been? Why haven't you called?"
Paul: "SORRY! God! I forgot my phone and the broker took us around the city in cabs and there was no way for me to call you."
I: "There is no excuse. You were supposed to pick me up at work and then you never showed up, you never called, you never contacted me at any point to let me know what was going on. I am fucking furious with you and I have been stressed out for the last 5 hours!"
Paul: "Whatever. I didn't make it. I said sorry."
I: "GOD! Alright...enough. I don't want to talk about this shit anymore. But you fucked up big time no matter what you say."
Paul: "Did you eat dinner?"
I: "No."
Paul: "Are you hungry?"
I: "No."
Paul: "Fine then. I am going to go out to eat with Jen and Lisa and we will swing by your place before we head home."
I: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!:LHKSD:LSHKDF:LK?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You were supposed to pick me up at fucking 5pm! Get your ass in the car and get over here NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Paul: "No! Meet us in the West Village."
I: "Omigod. Get here now. I am serious. I am NOT coming back into the city after you ditched me. Get in the car and get over here now Paul. FUCKING NOW!"
Paul: "Fine, but we are going to dinner whether you want to eat or not."
I: "You crazy fuck just get here!"
---end scene---
Paul shows up at my house at around 9pm. I immediatly jump into his arms and we giggle and kiss eachother all over like two little gay babies.
His new roommates were there: Jen, whom we both already know, and this new girl Lisa. They are both incredibly sweet, a bit reserved, but also very very chill.
The three of us went to dinner and had an AMAZING meal. We had some wine, laughed, got to know Paul's new roommates, and Paul and I even held hands in a straight restaurant. Instigated by him, I might add. It was an absolutly beautiful evening. After the meal was over, they dropped me off at the house and I asked Paul to come in for a minute or two. We sucked face and just held eachother for a couple of minutes in my kitchen. Then he had to go.
My heart was SUCKED out of my chest and I just stood there, paralyzed by the overwhelming two hours that I had with him. It was incredible and sad all at the same time.
While Paul and I screamed at eachother all week, the connection we had when we were together was out of this world. It was pure electricity. There were no fights, there was nothing but smiles and happiness. We were in love.
Now I am so excited to see him for our long weekend.
I know that we have had quite the horrific week, but at the same time it will all prove to be worth it.
We are both stressed and we are both going crazy, but hopefully crazy with love.
Guess time will tell.

4:53pm and still no word from Paul.
Either way I am annoyed now.
If he isn't outside waiting for me when I leave work, I will chop off his nuts.
If he is outside waiting for me when I leave work, I will kiss him, then chop off his nuts.
Why does he play these stupid fucking games?
It's in no way cute. It's purely annoying.
Great job again Paul.
Boyfriend of the year.

You know what I just thought...
Paul is probably not calling me so that he can come to work and surprise me.
Now understand that it is in NO WAY a surprise that Paul is in the city today. But he has a tendency to pull this stupid shit all the time. For example, we will have plans to visit for weeks...then the day he is supposed to come, he will call me to tell me that he can't make it. Of course I FLIP the fuck out and go crazy on him. Then 5 hours later, after my whole day is ruined by his horrible antics, he will show up at my job and go "Surprise!".
Um, does anyone else find that at all logical?
My boyfriend is a fucking weirdo that hurts me in order to make me happy.
Interesting...

Got my hairs cut cuz Paul is supposed to be picking me up from work.
Only problem is that it is 3:45pm and no word yet from Paul.
Please God don't let him not call me. If this kid comes to NYC and does not see me, I just might drive to Boston tomorrow and punch him square in the head.

Kelly just called to tell me that she ran into Darlene (Sarah Gilbert) on the street just now. Kelly looked back to see if it was her and in an odd coincidence, Darlene looked back to see if it was Kelly.
WEIRDENS!
NYC is PRETTY great.

Thank you to everyone for sticking by me even though I tend to be a massive psycho on occassion.
Imagine dating me!
Paul and I talked for a couple of hours last night. We were laughing for most of it. After he had hung up on me for the second time in a row, I gave it twenty minutes and called back and said: "Isn't it adorable how we scream and yell and one of us hangs up, but then just calls back in 20 minutes to scream and yell again?" He was incredibly sweet last night and although we don't see eye to eye on the fights of the last week, we do understand that both of us have such a deep love and sensitivity to the other person that the littlest thing will push us right off the deep end.
Randy wrote me an email this morning and brought up something that I think is very interesting. He mentioned that Paul and I seem to have a very dramatic relationship and that we are always dealing with something or other.
Now, while this can be true at times, mostly it isn't like this at all. People that read this journal get a partial understanding as to who I am and how I react to things. I come to this journal to write the word "douchebag" and "cunt" and I allow myself to flip out to the point of insanity. In real life, it is rare that I FLIP OUT so intensely. I mean, let's be honest. I have been known to flip out intensely during my life. But not nearly as much as my journal seems to represent. I just like the fact that I can come in here, rant and rave, and walk away feeling a little bit of release.
One thing that should always be understood by my readers: "Joe is the best and Paul is the second best".
:-D
In other news...
(again with that "in other news" shit)
Last night Rita and I welcomed Kelly home. The two of them made dinner for eachother and I hung out for a bit. It was nice to be reunited, if only for an hour or so. Kelly works non-stop this weekend, so we will not see her again until Sunday when we have our next dinner and pumpkin carving adventure! Fun, right? I think my pumpkin is going to be a bodybuilder. Swedish bodybuilder, perhaps.
There is some SHIT going down here at work. Last night there was a HUGE fight that broke out between Ari, myself, and this other woman. If you read Ari's journal, you know her as Doris.
Doris is a BEAST! And yesterday I felt that she crossed the line with her attitude. I had already left work and I came back into the office to tell her that I thought she was unprofessional and out of line. When I started telling her this, she didn't like it so much.
hahaha
who would?
But in any case, she FLIPPED and I just kept egging her on. Eventually she comes out of her office and begins screaming at the top of her lungs. Ari tells her to "SHUT UP, there are students here!", but she keeps on screaming.
OOOOOOOOOH! FUN!
Life is so much better at work when shit is going DOWN!
So last night I jerked off for the first time in like 5 days. I thought that it would feel PRETTY good, but it only felt, well...
good.
But did I pump out about 3 quarts of cum?
Yeah. Yeah I did.
And I KNOW you were dying to hear that delicious story.
Oh!
One important thing...
Last night, Rita talked to her sister Jeannie for awhile on the phone. Jeannie is getting married in about 23 days and we are all kind of freaking out. It will be the first wedding that I have ever been to in my life. I went to one wedding once, but I didn't know the people and it was totally gaylord.
This one though!
This one is going to be for my best friend's sister and I actually got my OWN invite in the mail and I get to bring a date!
(Paul said no, cuz he feels that "we aren't ready for our big coming out party at a straight person's wedding" - so he gets to not go and I will bring Kelly instead. My other boyfriend) I am TOTALLY STOKED about it. I get to dress up in my nicest ballgown and then I get to eat so much good food and then I get to drink so much champagne and then I think I just realized that this is Jeannie's wedding and not mine.
hmph.
In any case, Jeannie had asked to talk to me for a few minutes on the phone, so Rita hands it to me and I'm like "HI!"
We bullshit for a couple of minutes and then Jeannie does something that totally throws me for a loop. A curve ball if you will.
She is like: "I have been reading your journal and I know what you are going through." I act all aloof and I am like: "Oh really? Thanks for thinking of me." Jeannie doesn't accept this answer and dives into a very serious conversation with me about how she feels the same way I do sometimes and how prayer really keeps her strong and and and and...
While I wasn't ready for her to go right for my insecurities, I was able to really let go with her and I walked away from the conversation feeling "healed" in some way.
I find myself always putting on a front with people. Not in a bad way, just in an "I don't want to really show you my true feelings" way. Jeannie doesn't tolerate that Joe. And that is the reason why I absolutely love her to death. I want (certain) people in my life to call out the stops with me. Even though I don't know her all that well, I know so much about her as does she with me. I like that after she stripped me of my walls, she talked with me about what I could do to make myself feel better. She knew what to say because she truly understood me.
Jeannie also believes very furvantly (fervantly? fuhvantly?) in the power of prayer. She informed me that she has been saying quite a few for me these days and that she truly believes that my prayers will be answered. She is a woman of God and I am so thankful to have her on my side.
Thank you Jeannie!
I love you so much and thank you so much for last night.
MWAH!
Baright.
Just about time for lunch.
Time to go slap Rita around for a bit. She is acting all high and mighty today and I think that for lunch she wants a mayonaisse slap. With extra lettuce.
:-D

Didn't make it to get my hairs cut today because received a WONDERFUL email from Paul telling me that he will not be coming to NYC at all tonight. He will be here from 8am-6pm tomorrow. Considering that I work from 9am-5pm that will leave about 15 minutes for us to see eachother. It's been 5 and a half weeks since I have last laid eyes on him.
Douche.
Fucking douche.
Man I hate this. Can he just move here already? I miss him so terribly and these fake visits are really eating away at my insides.
When I woke up this morning, although I was frustrated as all hell about this visit, I still thought to myself "At least I won't be sleeping alone tonight."
Now of course!
Why wake up and rely on anything?!?!?!
We spent about 20 minutes on the phone screaming at eachother about why he is such a fucking asshole.
And then I spent 20 minutes after that thinking about why I am such a screaming mimi.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM!
I hate not being able to control the world.
I need to just relax. He will be here for like 5 days next week. But I really needed to see him for at least a little bit THIS week. But why should I ever need anything from him?
He doesn't come through when I do. At least not unless it benefits him in some way.
gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
(growls)
It's going to be a pretty lonely night in my bed.

Well fucking YAY! I am back at work.
ugh.
Even though I spent most of the day in the doctor's office yesterday, I still find that to be more enjoyable than sitting here in my chair at my extremely unrewarding job.
Enough of that talk.
What's going on these days...
Paul is supposed to come in to town tonight. It's a last minute change on the plans we had. He was SUPPOSED to come here on Thursday and stay until Saturday morning. Because he thought that it would serve HIS purposes better by coming tonight at 11pm and leaving tomorrow at 7pm, that is what will be happening.
I was pretty furious last night and in fact, am still upset that he doesn't make any sort of effort to include me into our plans.
I mean, he is coming to see ME, right?
Very frustrating.
The only good thing about all of this is that he will be staying with me from Wed.-Sun. next week. While that is great and will be an extended visit, I have things to do during that time.
Oh it's so irritating that even writing about it is driving me crazy.
Don't feel like explaining anymore.
Let's switch gears.
Talked to my friend Randy on the phone for just about 2 hours on Monday night. It was an absolutely great conversation. This guy makes me laugh, makes me question, and also opens me up to things I have never really considered in the past. While we are very different, we are also very much the same. I find myself opening up to him about things that I really should keep quiet about. I think he feels the same.
For example...Randy has decided that he is so open minded with his sexual endeavors that he would be willing to....
SIKE!
I promised him that I would keep his business out of this journal and I will do just that.
But Randy...do you KNOW where I was going with that?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh
So yeah, I really like this guy. I hope to keep up with him and to bother him with my drunken slobbery every night of the week.
BTW...if you didn't see the Real World last night, you really missed out. This cast is so unbelievably irritating that I can't sit still and watch it. I drag my fingernails down my face during just about every scene.
Someone kill these people. Steven dies first.
Today I need to get my haircut.
Did you ever just not WANT to get your haircut?
I mean, it sounds like no big deal. Just do it Joe. Stop acting like a baby about everything.
But in all honesty, I hate sitting in that chair making stupid conversation until they are done butchering me.
See, the problem is that I have Asian hair; pin straight and damn near the worst style to have when it grows out. If put off for too long, my head turns into some sort of spikey beast that, when covered in gel, brutally wounds all those that try to hug me during the day.
Oh and by the way. Stop hugging me. That will kill any sort of ridiculous hair comment that might fall out of your mouth when I am
trying to avoid your impending hug.
Don't touch me.
Why is it that some people understand the no touching rule, while others feel that it is their personal challenge to make you comfortable with it?
Wow...I hate people, huh?
Not really.
But sometimes yes.
Today I was riding the local train uptown and decided to close my eyes. I have about 9 stops before I have to get off the train.
In what seemed to be 2 minutes and 30 seconds, I was already uptown and past my stop for work. I opened my eyes to see my sorry white ass zipping into Harlem. I told Rita that when I opened my eyes, I SWEAR that everyone's face on the train turned from white to black. And also became very angry.
Black hemoss.
It was a little disconcerting.
I quickly switched sides to go back downtown and realized: "I NEVER want to live in Harlem."
Never.
Harlem is for people who have tough skin.
Tough black skin.
Astoria is for short in stature latinos.
That's why I live there.
come esta?
Do you know that song "Twisted" by Keith Sweat? It's kind of an annoying song and it seems to be playing on repeat on my computer right now.
I am about to "Twist" Keith Sweat's nipples right off.
Purple lurple style.
Have any of you ever played "Tune in Tokyo" before?
If not...this is how you play:
Tell a female friend to put her hands on her head so that her elbows jut out from each side of her face.
Tell her then twist her body from one side to the other while saying "Boop boop boop boop..."
While she is doing that, quickly grab both of her nipples, twisting them and saying: "Tune in Tokyo!" "TUNE IN TOKYO!"
Act like you are really scared about getting the right frequency on her nipple radio.
That way she can't possibly get mad about you hurting her titties. I mean, you are really trying to culture yourself by listening to Asian music.
It's PRETTY fun.
Is it wrong that the woman rabbi that I work with has a HOT brother?
Is it wrong that he may have caught me looking at his ass?
Is it wrong that I was pulling on my dick at the time?
Alright Joe. No more crass attitude today.
So there is this lady that I work with that just happens to be my programming boss.
She is probably my favorite person to work with although I hate her very deeply sometimes. I really have no favorite at work. They all suck. But she sucks the least.
Anyway, she has this smarmy way of saying things to me in front of students or other staff members.
My new thing...
When she says these comments, I then say a MUCH ruder comment back to her and embarrass her in front of the student or staff member. It is childish and sometimes I feel bad when she gets red faced and walks away.
But doesn't that mean that she should STOP saying rude shit?
I think she WANTS me to make her feel like an asshole.
She does.
It's just too bad. Cuz I do like her. But I like not being embarrassed better.
Okay, that's it. Off to lunch.
And to get my fucking hairs cut.
I hate it.
hate it
hate it
want to eat pizza and mcdonalds for lunch instead of getting my hairs cut.
hate it.

What a day.
Days like today make me stop and think how happy I am to be alive and to be doing what I am doing in NYC.
I have had to deal with some very complicated and impossibly difficult situations in the past two years. Sob sob. I know. But really...I haven’t been happy with who I am, since, well, I graduated college in May 2000.
Every day I go through moments that make me want to run to the bathroom and vomit out all the shit that is dragging me down.
Very often my alarm goes off at 7:15am and I think to myself “Today I will come right home and go to bed.”
Most of the time, people in my life, in ways that they don’t realize, change my perspective and I find myself hanging out and laughing until 9pm that same evening.
But when the sadness is too strong...when no one can pull you out of it....when you feel as though you would rather have something awful happen in your life just so that you have a reason to be as down as you are...
I want to be an actor.
Very badly.
I want to have the life I KNOW I could have if I could just get my life together and try.
I am so scared.
I have never been this scared in my life.
I am 25.
It’s time to make something of myself. Every day I dread the next day. A day closer to me not doing what I want with my life.
Change it you say.
Stop wallowing in your self-pity and do what you should be doing.
Grow up already.
While I hate you for thinking that, I agree with you.
It’s weak and useless to sit in your miserable life and not make any attempt to change anything.
I give this advice out to every single person in my life.
“Why aren’t YOU doing what you want with your life?”
“Why are you YOU sitting there and letting life stomp on your face?”
Why?
Because I am sitting here doing the same thing.
I have moments where I feel deep down that things are going to change.
I feel better!
I feel strong!
I feel alive.
Then something happens...
The littlest thing.
Paul calls and we have a stupid argument.
That’s it...home to bed.
I have a fight with one of my housemates.
Well, can’t be an actor now! I have to worry and stress over how to fix this new problem.
None of this is anyone else’s fault but my own. I know this.
I have GREAT days
and
I have HORRIBLE days.
The days that are “nothing” are wonderful, refreshing, and few and far between.
Do you ever feel as though you have too much emotion?
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world that feels as deeply about EVERY little thing that happens in my life.
Sometimes it makes me go undeniably insane in my head.
I know my close friends analyze everything as deeply as I do or we wouldn’t have formed the bonds that we have.
But even they would admit that they feel alone when it comes to society understanding how deeply affected they, as individuals, are by every moment of their day.
If you are reading this right now, odds are that you understand what I am talking about.
In my opinion, one of the reasons we read others’ journals is to find someone else who makes us feel not as alone.
Horrible sentence structure, but you understand.
I want to be strong again. I want to feel self-confidence. I want the esteem that I had when I graduated college. I was at the top of my game.
I always scoffed at those that left college and let their life turn to crap.
I mean, SCOFFED.
Now, I am worse than any of them ever were.
You want to talk about turning your life into crap?
Growing up I was always ETERNALLY optimistic.
I was THAT gay kid. The one always in a good mood. Hey! Wanna laugh? Come hang with Joe the gay kid.
Even when I struggled through the most horrifying moments of my childhood, I found a way to smile and laugh despite.
Rita knows this as the “Happy Boy Syndrome”.
One day, all of this optimism ceases and you start to doubt who you are and begin to wonder why you were ever so happy to begin with.
I went through a full year of (as only I can understand it) hardcore depression.
Prozac, therapy, the whole nine yards.
Okay, maybe 7 yards, cuz I wasn’t fucking crazy.
Just burning myself sometimes.
HA~!
Right?? Cuz I did that.
However, let’s talk about being dramatic...
Joe burns himself, but sits here today with no scars, minus one POSSIBLE scar that probably happened when I was shoving my face with donuts while taking a shit on the toilet.
Oh man. Don’t get me started with what a loser I was when I was a fat little happy gay boy.
So whatever. I was bad. Kelly was there through all of it and that is where a lot of the understanding in our friendship comes from.
She gets the “sad” part of me.
As does Rita...
For reasons of her own.
For Ritas of her own.
giggle
snort
boof
In any case, when I went through that tough time, I lost my optimism. I lost myself. I was sad beyond the point of repair. Optimisim was for fools.
It sucked.
Cuz that is not me.
After the year ended, I got my optimism back. It just kinda happened. My life took some drastic changes (switching majors to theater, coming out of my closet (closet? I had a very EASY coming out of closet experience thanks to surrounding myself with beautiful people prior), and letting my insecurities drop regardless of what anyone else thought-----and I became that optimistic Joe once again.
The Joe that had way many more good days than bad days. It was exactly who I wanted to be.
Then without realizing it...after college...the bad Joe came back.
The Joe that didn’t know how to succeed without a handbook. The Joe that allowed himself to dive into a hole too big to climb out of.
Now that I am here, I find myself clawing at the side of my (I picture it dirt) hole, making some ground, and before you know it...slipping right back to the bottom.
My prayers have been filled with such intense passion and helplessness.
I have started to make my way back to God.
It’s funny...
When things are going your way, you have to work even harder to keep the communication lines open with God.
Yet the minute things get bad, there you are begging and pleading for an answer.
While I have prayed every day my whole life, I see now that I need to do more.
That I shouldn’t expect him to help me unless I am doing it for him and with him.
It’s hard to explain if you find yourself atheist or not believing in any sort of determined deity.
It’s okay.
Please. Everyone needs to figure things out in a way that will make sense to them.
But I know what I believe.
I believe that I need help.
I need an answer. I pray, I write in this journal, I talk incessantly to my friends and boyfriend about all of this.
Where is my direction?
What can’t I find MY path???
I am confident that I will find it eventually. How could I live on this earth if I didn’t feel this way?
I’m just scared that I have followed the wrong path up until now.
What if I was supposed to be a teacher?
What if I was supposed to be in a secure job in a nice suburban city?
OKAY WHAT? OKAY...WHOA WHOA WHOA
See...even writing those words makes no sense to me.
That’s not me.
I am meant to be an actor.
LOL.
I try to sit here and type what my fears ultimately are...
But I see the words and I die laughing.
I am still optimistic enough to think that I am going to go somewhere with this theater thing. As sad as I get...be a teacher in a suburban school?
BOO WAHHHHH!.
No no no no no
I LOVE me some teachers.
But I don’t be me some teachers.
I hate it, but I am always called back to the horrible adage of:
“Those who can’t do, teach.”
I do NOT agree with that at all!
But I refuse to ever fall into that category.
Unless I am 40 and still struggling to get my first audition.
Then maybe it’s time to teach nursery school dickheads.
hahahaha you think. Joe be a nursery school teacher? NEVLE!
But you know what?
I got that knack for kids. It has always clicked with me.
I started my own “Babysitters Club” when I was about 12.
Yes, member?...I was gay.
I played Ken in the neighboorhood show (that I produced) “Barbie and the Rockers”.
Ok enough.
Can this journal be any more self-effacing?
Well, if self-effacing is a bad thing.
Enough.
Time to go to bed.
Tomorrow I will not be going to work.
I get to suck up my fear and go see a doctor.
You see, Joe has something that he has to take care of.
Hells if you will ever know what it is...
But for those of you who do know.....YIPES~!
Hey, It’s my own fault and I face it with courage and dignity.
Stupid Joe. Stupid Joe.
Besides that, I have about 101 Dalmations to figure out tomorrow.
No I didn’t.
Yeah I did.
So much to do. I hate using sick days as real life days.
Sick days are meant for smoking pot and watching scary movies.
Oh yeah. I do that every day anyway.
Sick days have now become productive days. It happened HERE folks! Sick days are productive days.
Oh yeah again!
The reason I had a good day today are because of the following reasons:
1) I acted like a smarmy bitch at work and people seem to respect it and love me more for it. Balright.
2) I had a fight with Paul and he fixed it in two seconds flat by allowing, ONCE AGAIN, me to be a psycho and him to just understand that I am a lunatic.
3) Rita’s impromptu invite for drinks at Jake’s Dilemma.

While I fought to keep a smile on my face all day, tonight I sit with a genuine peace and contentment.
My life could change tomorrow.
Right around the corner is the little dirt paved road leading to my success.
My optimism kicks in and I realize that it is my time.
For clarity.
Joe will do this ya’ll!
Just give me some time.
Eventually all of my entries will be about this and that soap opera star that is really gay, but pretends to be straight while on ACCESS HOLLYWOOD.
You just wait!
Wow.
I feel better.
Good feeling.
I gotta remember this.
Write in your journal and by the end, you can once again take on the world.
(also Joe...remember to have 3 glasses of wine while conquering the world)

Barfaria~!
I took two aleve about a half hour ago and now they are trapped somewhere between my esophagus and my chest cavity. (cough cough)
Get the fuck OUT!
Well this Monday is almost over! Thank the Lord in Heaven above. I have spent most of the day researching doctor's as I have to go tomorrow to "get a few things taken care of". Annoying. But also finally!
We had a staff meeting this morning that was so fucking boring. That part is business baz usual. But the odd part, I couldn't stop bursting out laughing. I don't know what the deal was. I kept staring my executive director right in the face and then suddenly would just go "BOOWAH!" and die laughing. It was pretty ridiculous.
This afternoon I ate McDonalds with Rita for the first time in about 6 months. YuM! But also massive diarehhea.
Friday night, Rita and I took her boyfriend out for drinks at this place called The Gin Mill. I had been there a couple weeks ago and I LOVED it! During Happy Hour, the pitchers are $6. The entire bar is half off. Which means that a vodka tonic costs around $3. IT was pretty great! We got plastered and played about a thousand games on Megatouch. Of course I prefer to play Photo hunt Hunks. But we had to play photo hunt Babes for Andy. Then Rita made us play photo hunt General which was pretty difficult. I am much better at finding the missing labia then I am at finding the missing toothpick. You know how it goes.
Saturday I watched "Frailty" for the second time, with the Andy and Rita. Second viewing was just like the first viewing. Cept I got to eat some Peanut M'n'M's the second time around.
After that I seemed to lay in my bed for the rest of the weekend. Of course I got up to shit and shower. And also to make 3 pounds of chicken. I ate every bite. Sunday was loll around in bed day again, but this time with monologue books shoved up my ass. It was a very productive, horribly anxiety filled afternoon. By 6pm I calmed down a bit, realized that of COURSE I am going to make it as an actor, and then I went back to sleep.
I love the weather right now. It's Freezing! Climbing under the covers, cuddling with....oh wait...with no one. Cuz boyfriend lives about 280 miles away.
Speaking of Paul...
We spent 2 hours on the phone Friday night and it was WONDERFUL. We touched base on a lot of different things. I can't believe I haven't seen his face in 5 weeks! He will be in town on Thursday, with his two future roommates. Yay I get to see Paul. NAY I get to spend all Thursday night with these two girls. And they have to stay at my house which is ULTRA annoying, cuz I don't even know them. Ah well. They can sleep in the living room while Paul and I lay naked in my bed.
Hee pth.
I think I am going to accompany him back to Boston this weekend. Not sure yet. But it's an idea. Been along time since I have been back there.
Alright...I will do my best to write in here later. I have some computer shit to do and will most likely stop in to this to write something a little more interesting than the jargon I just spewed out.
Forgive me for the quick nonsense. I wanted to make sure I touched base before I took off to go home.
Lovel me!

It's Friday night and I JU JU JU JU JUSSSSST, got PAID! MONEY MONEY MONEY

That is a song. Do you know it???
Shit! I was planning on doing an entry in here, but then I got totally sidetracked by people at work and now I am like typing my ass off so that I can get out of here at exactly 2pm.
WOOF!
did i just bark?
This weekend, Rita's boyfriend is coming into town. We are going out to happy hour and then to night time hour and then to after hours and then to bed. It should be a raging alcoholic good time. I hope so at least.
It is POURING today. It is quite miserable outside except I love this kind of weather and I can't wait to spend the whole day in bed tomorrow watching it drizzle down my window. How romantic! Especially since I will be spending it alone.
playing with myself of course.
how romantic!
In any case, gonna grab a slice of pizza on the way home.
Already had breakfast of hash browns and toast. I prefer only side dishes for breakfast. Never main courses.
What else?
Last night I smashed a wine glass in my room so hard (by accident) that it was almost as though it had a stick of dynamite in it. It EXPLODED. I rubbed my dick in it and then laid down for sleep.
Rita says I am acting crazy today. I say that I am acting
well
crazy.
I don't know. I am in an exceptionally good mood. Is it because I have no obligations to fill this weekend?
Probably.
I miss Paul too. I haven't seen him in a month and I am about at the point of clawing my virgin face off.
Hum.
Alright...I will do my best to stop in here this weekend.
But if not...peayce jiggas.

Well Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo....
If I were any more nautious right now, I would probably request that my stomach be removed immediatly from my body and thrown into the Hudson River.
Okay, that was the most ridiculous thing that I have said all day. I am just going to let that go.
Went to the West End with Ari today for lunch. That was pretty enjoyable. I got the BLT and then my ass had it about an hour later. ouch.
This morning, as I was walking to the subway station, I saw a car accident happen. That is the most terrying thing ever. If you have never seen one, let me tell you, it is something else. The sound of the two vehicles smashing into eachother is deafening and creates a pit of tense worry in your stomach. As I walked past, I did see that everyone seemed to be ok. But the sound echoed in my head for at least a couple of hours. The weirdest part of this whole thing is that yesterday at lunch I was thinking about how I have never seen a car accident. Within 18 hours, I did in fact see one. I don't know. Maybe I'm just nautious.
Oh yeah, I am.
Last night turned out to be the fucking best. Rita and I got home and planned on hanging out with Kelly for a little bit before we retired to our rooms. A couple of glasses of wine later and I was ready to stay up all night. Kelly's ex-girlfriend, and a very close friend of both of us still, Angie hung out for most of the night and it was an absolute thrill. She has the best laugh and is so fucking funny. Every time she opens her mouth, I feel like her words go right to my gay funny bone. Kelly and Angie had rented two movies to watch with eachother and then big mouth Joe was like: " Let's watch Vulgar!" As though it had anything to do with me. I can be very intrusive when I want to be. We all stayed up way past our usual bedtime. 11:30pm. Hee. I really need to start having a life.
BTW...if you haven't seen the movie "Vulgar" and you aren't weak hearted, please go rent it immediatly. There are aspects to this movie that will shock your face off. Or maybe even your vulva.
Yeah, it will knock your vulva right off!
Today has been a pretty mediocre day for me overall. Nothing too exciting, nothing too awful. Just the sheer enjoyment of it being Thursday and tomorrow being FLYDAY.
When I was younger, our local Radio Station "Fly 92" used to call Fridays, "Flyday". Lame - O!
Ari and I just blatantly lied to our boss about the lunch we had today. See...sometimes Ari and I will be able to read eachother's mind and the minute that one of us starts creating a story, the other one knows immediatly to follow suit. We are getting pretty good at this shit.
Ah jeez...I gotta go do something for a student.
Sometimes I want to kill my job. I want to take it by the throat and squeeze every ounce of life out of it.
Then I would spit on it while it laid there dying on the floor.
Then I would piss on it's dead face.
Then I would close this entry while I am ahead. Cuz why am I acting so scary right now?
HAHAHA and LATAS!

OK...WHAT????????
DID I REALLY JUST HAVE THE CONVERSATION THAT I JUST HAD?!?!?!?!?!
Oh boy. Here I go again. Making friends with people whom I have never met in my entire life. HAHAHAHAHA~!
Like I don't have enough friends in real life. I have to go and make a friend in Chicago. As we know, I have recently been talking to this guy named Randy. He visited my site and sent me a pretty incredible email. I liked it so much that I wrote him back and he and I have been exchanging letters for about a week. Today, he included his work number and I actually used it. It was a very strange, but somehow invigorating thing to do.
I was very taken back by how deep his voice was. I must admit, that the dirty and overly sexual side of me was like "mmmm". Okay sick.
I have a boyfriend that I love. But still...deep voices are a pretty big turn on in my world.
In any case, Randy was able to conversate very well. I enjoyed hearing about his life and his Juan Carlos. ;)
We have simlair backgrounds and I know that when we have more time to talk, we will realize that we have even more in common. As I have said in here before, it would be EXCEPTIONALLY great if I had a gay friend in my life. I mean, a real one. Not the pseudo gay friends that I seem to have now. And by gay I mean: man gay. Not women gay. Although most of my lesbian friends are turning straight faster than I ever thought they would. Hmmmm....
He is a cool kid. And want to know the craziest thing?
Kelly...he has the exact same birthday as you! Sagittarius's unite! Very fucking weird.
So I don't know. He told me that he and some of his friends at work talk about my journal and the saga that seems to be going on down here in NYC. I mean, do I actually have a following? That made me beam with pride and excitement. Are they talking about me at the water cooler??????? ROCK!
I will keep ya'll updated as to my Randall adventures. Although do not call him Randall. Call him MR. Randall. He likes that better.
sike.
peace. time to go pack up to go home. It is 4:40pm afterall.

I wrote this last night and waited to post it until today so that I could start off on the right note...
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about. I just knew I wanted to write.
Then as I was taking my fifth beer piss of the evening, it hit me.
I want to write about Paul for a bit.
This is what I want to say tonight:
I love Paul. I love him, love him, love him. I don’t know why I love him, I just do. I always thought that the person I fell in love with would be some movie star celebrity or horribly successful, but devestatingly handsome philanthropist.
Instead I date the very nice looking, horribly work oriented, very often emotionally distant, bartender. Sure he has his degree in Biology from BU and studied in Africa for 8 months. Sure he has more money than I could ever dream of achieving at this point in my life. Sure he is a very intellectual, unbelievably responsible personality.
But where is my hot passionate lover that is going to take full care of me while allowing me to be who I have always wanted to be?
Where is the dream boyfriend I knew I would get?
I am not sure that Paul is the one for me to end up with. I have never thought that in the past and I have currently fought that idea more than I would ever bother to explain to anyone.
In my mind, he is the person who teaches me about love in order for me to find my true love in the future.
Wow. That sucks.
But it has always been true.
Now that we are just about 3 years into our relationship, I have definitly learned what love really is. What it ends up being after the luster of the whole thing goes away.
Love is counting on someone. Love is knowing that no matter how bad things get around you, with whomever or whatever or whereever...this person will always take you in and protect you. This person will allow you to show the ugliest side of your personality and then in turn respect you more for it. In fact, they will love you more just for the fact that you allowed yourself to let it happen.
The person you love will be all of these things while still looking at you in a way that no one else can. They will tell you to “Cut the Shit”, in an email, faster than anyone else in your life. They know you and don’t accept anything but the truth.
These qualities I have in Paul.
While I still sit here and think in my concious that Paul and I will ultimately just have “a good run”, I now sit here and think “what if?” What if Paul is it for me? What if he is meant to be my “One and only”. I whole heartedly believe in the idea of “one perfect person for everyone on this earth”. Is Paul mine?
The problem that I face is this...
In our entire relationship, Paul and I have only lived in the same city for 6 months. We shared an apartment and it was beautiful and then ugly all before we could even realize it. I vowed to never live with a boyfriend again.
However, we stayed together and we worked through it despite the problems we had in the past and the horribly impossible long distance relationship that was our future.
We did it.
We overcame it and we are now at the point in which he is moving to the city to be with me. No matter how you look at it and no matter how I try to fake it, the kid is moving to NYC to be with me. His boyfriend that he is in love with.
Since we have only known random weekends together, what will it be like when I see him just about every day?
Will this work?
I am so excited to give it a try. I love him deeply enough to allow this to happen in good faith
but I would be stupid not to admit that a lot will change with him being here.
No more random hook ups. No more instigating flirtation.
It’s time for us to give this a real shot.
Shit. This is going to be big.
While Paul and I fight alot, we do have quite a few sincere moments. I give him a bad rap in this journal as I do with him and a lot of friends in my real life. I don’t mean it the way it all sounds.
Yet it does show me that I am afraid of so many things in this relationship.
It is a written example of how I can’t commit to anything. No matter how good it could prove to be in the end.
I have yet to give myself over to Paul.
If he has done it, why haven’t I?
After this long, I can’t believe that I would still have so much work left to do.
I love him enough to at least try.

Boodnight!

OKAY! I digress!
Rita showed me this ZFRANK website (I have linked it to my page) and now I HOPE he goes to my highschool.
His site is AWESOME! If you are bored, check it out.
I wonder who he could possibly be!! The internet hasn't been around that long, so maybe he was in my math class.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

So if you clicked the above link that said: "Fun with your name" then you will need to also know this...
Rita said that the guy that designed that stupid thing went to the same highschool that Kelly and I went to. She said his name is
Z. Frank.
I think she is crazy and full of craziness.
And if Z. Frank DID go to my highschool...why isn't he doing something better then "Fun with your name"?
Ah geez.
I think Rita lies.
Or is drunk from eating beer for lunch.

This is cute: Fun with your name

But not cute enough to become a permanent link.

So, as it turns out, having beer for lunch is a pretty great idea.
This day has been filled with bad moods, bad attitudes, and big time screaming. And that's just been the way I have been acting.
Just think how annoying the rest of these devils have been!
Rita writes me an email right before lunch and she says:
"Let's go to the West End for beers as a treat for lunch."
I think in my head: "Fuck yeah!" Cept I have no money, so Rita has to pay for everything.
We go to the W.E., we drink some beers, we laugh and we kid, and then we come back to our shit lives.
Fortunatly, neither of us really got buzzed at all, but somehow my mood has turned to the better.
Unfortunatly I have to spend an hour when I get home talking to acting guru lady Gigi. That should be a good thing. But I dread anything that's not eating, drinking, or smoking pot.
OOH!
Guess what?
Want to know something pretty horrifying?
FUCK!
Just had the most IRRITATING Email exchanges with my wonderful MIA boyfriend Paul.
God...so annoyed with him and our whole pretend relationship that I can't even get into it right now.
DAMN him.
Damn me for being so stupid for falling in love with him in the first place.
Last night, I was watching tv before falling asleep and this commercial came on that blew my fucking mind. I still don't really know how to feel about it.
There were two kids sitting in the den of one of the kid's houses. One kid was sitting at his father's desk, the other one was sitting directly across from him in a big chair. The kid in the chair was ripping tubes from a bong. (for non-pot smokers this means SUCKING EVERY POSSIBLE BIT OF SMOKE OUT OF A TUBE and then BLOWING IT EVERYWHERE IN THE ROOM)
Both of the teenagers must have been no more than 14 or 15. They were blitzed out of their mind and they were saying some stupid shit. Next thing I know the kid behind the desk rifles through some papers on his dad's desk and pick's up a handgun.
He says, while totally aiming it at the other kid: "I wonder if this is loaded?"
BAM!
(words across the screen)
"Marijuana alters your reality"
End of commercial.
Um....
I was in my bed all alone and I go, out loud: "OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!"
I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a very powerful commercial, but I am left with the following confusion:
I have been smoking pot just about every day for the last 4-5 years. In fact, I was stoned when I saw this commercial.
hee oops.
Never in my entire life have I been so stoned that I thought that it would be okay to pick up a handgun and point it at somebody, regardless of whether or not it was loaded. I don't ever remember my "reality" becoming so distorted that I thought things that were fatally dangerous became play toys.
Never once.
I have never known anyone that thought that.
Yes, I agree that we should be deterring our children or future children from using drugs. But do we lie in the process?
Pot has never distorted my reality. It has made me starving and in a better mood. It has made me unmotivated to be productive in my life. It even has gone so far as to make me hornier! !!GASP!!
But has it ever made me think that my best friend wouldn't die if I shot them in the head?
Ah...no.
I loved the commercial and I can't wait to see it again. Just for the sheer impact of it.
Would I stand by it as a valid deterrent from Marijuana?
nah.
Whatever.
Back to Paul the asshole.
I am not mad at him. I am not upset.
I miss him incredibly.
I understand that he is moving here in less than two months. But does that mean I should just sit back and not expect phone calls until then? Should I expect that I am not going to hear from or see him for two months and that that is ok?
No...it isn't okay.
It's fucking garbage.
You see...
I am an asshole. I am EXTREMELY high maintenance when I want to be. I expect gold. Never silver.
Man...he just sent me another nasty email.
Doesn't he understand? The more he's a prick to me, the less likely I am to EVER talk to him in person again.
I have no problem hanging up in his asshole face. If I have gone 5 days without talking to him at all, what's the big deal with going 5 more?
He's a shithead.
Here is the conversation we just had over email:

Joe: what is your schedule for work this weekend? If you can get off sat. maybe I can come to see you.

Joe again: Never mind. Can't do it.

Paul: That was a wierd message. I received your every thought in one message! wish I could see you. this sucks not being able to see you, but soon we will be together all the time. The search goes on! You did not sound too happy to even hear your my voice this morning. I understand you just got into work, but geez. :( Whatever.
Hope your day is going well. Mine is busy. Our event seminar series is in Denver today and Dallas tomorrow. I am busy keeping it a float here at the headquarters, it is pretty neat. You do not give a shit I am sure. Becky flew in from Cali, will see her tonight. i will tell her you are doing well and that you said hello.
(BTW...Paul was totally right in saying that I don't give a shit about his "seminar series in Denver today and Dallas tomorrow"---cuz SNORE! Talk about ANYTHING else for once!)

Joe: it would just be nice to be able to have a relationship with the boy I am supossedly dating. I have just about had it again with this long distance bullshit. I never get to talk to you, I never get to see you, we know nothing about what's going on in each of our lives. I was going to come this weekend to see you because I just missed you too much.
Since I haven't really heard from you, I decided against it.
I am not angry with you. I am frustrated with this situation and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
If you weren't moving here on Dec. 1st, I don't know how much longer I could keep up with this whole thing.
When am I going to see you next? Probably never.
(Now let's be honest...My email back was not THAT bad. --- Yet this is how he responded)

Paul: Cut the bullshit! You think I like not seeing you!!! Don't make it any harder than it is joe. You know what if I do not see you, guess what you will see me december 1st. What part do you not understand??? Give it a break, don't get worked up. Deal with life and sacrifices! You make me so depressed when you have this tone all day. You have not said or referenced one fucking positive thing since I called you at fucking 9am this morning!!!! Think about it!!! It does not help matters and I KNOW how you deal with things!!!!!

Joe: You know what? Try calling more than once a week. Try sending a letter once in awhile. Try doing SOMETHING to let me know that you are still alive out there in Boston.
You don't have the right to tell me how to feel when you make no effort to be a part of my life ever.
You, Paul, don't need to be here every weekend to keep me happy.
Maybe you should try taking time out for me via phone and letters. Maybe when I call you, as I did last Friday night, and every night of my life, you spend some time talking to me instead of going out with your friends and forgetting all about me. Expecting me to wait up until 3am to finish the conversation we started.
As I said, I am not angry with you.
In fact, I care so little about this, that I cancelled the idea of coming to see you this weekend almost as soon as I had it.
I just don't care enough anymore to argue this.
I have way too much to stress in my life without having to worry about how to deal with my MIA boyfriend.
Yell at me all you want.
That's fine.
But don't bother trying to call to make it better.
It would be changing the whole way you conduct yourself in a relationship.

Paul: Fuck that! you are real perfect. Try working more than 35 hours a week and talk to me later. Make your fucking mind up, do i say the right things or the wrong things. Oh, I thought you always had to have plans in New York. One night in and no plans, so call Paul. I am leaving work now.

Joe: Sounds good to me. Bored with you and this conversation already.

---end scene---

Pretty brutal words.
But he will pay for them later. Trust me. Don't fuck with me or I will make sure you die.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
FUCK HIM MAN!
FUCK HIM!
I hate this whole thing.
I hate how much we fight. I hate that we never get to make up.
To be honest, I have hated this for the last 3 years and it never gets any easier. It just gets more fucking irritating.
I will NEVER do this again. NEVER do long distance again for the rest of my annoying life!

I'm not a morning person to begin with. Never have been. All of my friends know to avoid me for the first couple hours of the day, or else they get their neck snapped in two. And without apology.
Rita and I, although we work ten feet from eachother all day, even take different subways on the commute to work because I can't be trusted to break one simple smile.
Now, knowing this, also understand that I am one of the first people into the office. Usually hovering some time between 9-9:15am. Do you have any idea how fucking ANGRY it makes me when I check the morning voicemails to find that there are 6 messages from the lazy fat asses I work with telling me to make their fucking phone calls? Or to photocopy stupid bullshit? I would gladly do this for them, if it weren't for the two FULL TIME jobs I am doing in this place already. I am so sick and tired of the utter LAZINESS represented by the assholes that I work with. And if you ever mention to them that they are abusing you, they say either "But Joe, it's your job", or "Joe, how can we make it so that you can do all of your other tasks, while still being accountable for wiping my ass every time I shit?"
My answer is this...
I will shoot you in the face.
If you think that it is OK to leave me a message at 8:30am telling me that I need to get the papers out of the printer and put them in your mailbox because you are too lazy to get them yourself the night before....then I tell you this:
no.
You will come in to work and you will get them yourself.
If you leave me a 25 minute message telling me to make 3 phone calls...all of which are calls that involve your gas, electric, and credit card bill, then I tell you this:
no.
I will delete the message and look at you blankly when you ask how it all went.
And if you give me a hard time about it????
When you hand me your PERSONAL mail to put in the box when I go to lunch, don't surprised if it never gets there.
Cuz guess what?
It's going immediatly in the sewer as soon as I leave this place.
And don't think I won't laugh all the way home.
I fucking HATE these people.
FUCKING HATE.

I spoke with my acting guru/friend Gigi today. She was all upbeat and sweet and we made a phone consultation appointment for tomorrow evening. She is going to help me get my resume looking as it should and she will hopefully guide me into a very productive direction. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work.
I really need her help.
I ate two hot dogs for lunch today. Rita had one. They were pretty good.
Have I mentioned that this is the 7th hotdog that I have had in the last 5 days?
Sick, right?
I moved the ring that was on my left hand, ring finger, to my right hand, ring finger today. Do you know how weird that feels when you do that? It's been there all day and I can't get past it. It feels awkward and strange. I should never have put it on the other hand to begin with. >:-0---grrrrrrrr........
wobbly ring
wobbly ring
Member how I mentioned earlier today that when I have Vitamin Water, it runs right through me?
Well, I have gone 3 times since I first drank it and DAYIM I gots to go again!
I'm a lesbo.
wrote that purely cuz it was the first thing to pop into my mind.
that's strange.
yet erotic.
Ok...time to make that to-do list already!!!!!!!!!!

Another week.
God, can't I just die already? It would be so much easier than coming into work on a Monday.
So tired today. This weekend kicked my ass. Had an incredibly wonderful time with my parents. Sharing the day with them, laughing our asses off Saturday night while drinking and playing cards, having some private and serious talks...all of it was perfect. I hugged my mom so long before she went to bed at the end of the night. I didn't want to let go. Ever.
:(
Our bathroom is a pretty fun place. We have signs all over the room. For example, we have a quote of the day, a word of the day, an "IMPORTANT READING MATERIAL" section and most fun of all...a "Drawing Board". The drawing board is a blank piece of paper that encourages graffiti of any nature. It ends up being pretty damn funny. My parents almost spent their entire visit in the bathroom drawing pictures and making jokes. I about shit myself every time I went in there.
It was so great. I had drawn a full mural for them before they got there. On Sunday morning, as they were leaving, I looked to see them tearing down the picture and shoving it into my mom's purse. They wanted to bring it home and mail it to my brother. How adorable.
I miss them alot already. Probably won't see them again until Thanksgiving. Maybe the first weekend of November, but it is unlikely.
Last night I made dinner for the housemates. I made chicken with a special dijon sauce. On the side I made broccoli with cheddar melted on top and also brownies. Rita made her famous cheese biscuits and we all sat down together and shoved our vaginas full of food! It was great. And man did I eat myself to death.
Who's turn is it next week!?!?!
Kelly will be in Albany, so probably my turn again.
I love Vitamin Water. LOVE it. Today I bought one that is 32oz. Am I serious??? For some reason, when I drink a bottle of this stuff, it makes me have to piss as though I haven't gone in days. Hm.
So lately I have been a little angry at God. I know it sounds weird. Especially if you are someone that doesn't believe in God. Cuz then it's like: "What to get angry at?"
But I am an individual that lives my life under the direction and guidance of Jesus and God. I have very strong convictions and am way past the point of arguing their existence or power in the world. Save that talk for someone who wasn't raised in a baptist church.
In any case, I very rarely ask God for anything. I mean, of course I ask for everyone in my life to be safe and blah blah...but I never ask for anything that is based on petty wants. When I do ask for something big, it is usually because I need it. Seriously need it. In my life, I can think of 2 other times when I said to God that I needed something and now!
One was when I asked for a boy to come into my life that I could love and that would love me back. It's a long story and my reasoning's why I asked for this are very good, but not your business just yet! :)
The second thing I asked for was to make a decision about whether or not I should change majors to theater or finish up the last 6 credits I had left in becoming a teacher. Due to the timing of this request, when I got my answer it was big(!) and changed my life very dramatically.
It has been years since I have asked God to help me with a problem that was of the same caliber as the problem I have been dealing with for the last couple of months.
What do I do to find my answer?
I am trying to be patient. I am trying not to get discouraged of angry. But it hurts you know?
What I need now from God is some clarity. I don't need him to (overnight) make my life perfect. I just want a direction, a pathway, a sign as to what I am supposed to do.
(big sigh)
It's rather upsetting to me. Waiting for an answer and not getting anything close. Damn.
I will continue to pray. I will continue to allow my life to change. I will continue to work on the aspects of myself that need to be worked on. But at what point do I realize what I need to do differently?
I love God with everything in my heart. I trust him, I defend him, I stand my ground on my belief in him. What am I not doing?
It's puzzling. It really is.
So I am not really "angry" at God. I am just confused and a little hurt. Doesn't he want me to do what's right for both of us?
And if so, why won't he help me along in figuring this out? Should I fast until I have an idea as to what I am really looking for?
In other news...
I love the change in the weather. It's about time! The cooler fall air. Now that's where it is at!
I really can't wait until its sweaters and jackets.
Got a lot to do this week.
Think I am going to go make a to-do list right now. If I don't, there is no way I will get everything done that I need to do.
barp.